A Sponsor

07.09.2023 As I reflect tonight, I am filled with gratitude for the incredible gift of having time with a sponsor and embracing a Higher Power in my life. The combined impact of these relationships has been nothing short of transformative, and today as I continue to search for a new sponsor, I want to share with you the profound significance of having a sponsor, working the 12 steps, and embracing a Higher Power in my life. When I first stepped through the doors of Northpoint, I was consumed by fear, doubt, and a deep sense of isolation. Addiction had stripped away my self-worth, leaving me broken and uncertain about the path ahead. I had no feelings – I was an empty shell that desperately wanted to stop drinking. I was welcomed with warmth, love, and a ton of grace. As I sobered up and began to think more clearly, I embraced the people and the process. I loved my time in-patient. I used to ride the elevator every morning because it was a sure-fire way to meet, greet, and love on all the incoming people that were probably feeling the same way I did when I arrived. My coin out was tough – I had built better relationships in my short time there than I had in years. I became an advocate for step work during my time in IOP. I was haphazardly white knuckling it until a friend in IOP encouraged me to try the steps. So, I did. The moment I found a sponsor, a glimmer of hope illuminated began to illuminate my path. Simultaneously, embracing a Higher Power inviting me to rebuild that fractured relationship and recognize that my higher power was always there, a loving and compassionate energy that I could turn to for strength and guidance. It was through this Higher Power that I surrendered my pride, my need for control, and my belief that I alone had the answers. I humbly acknowledged that I was part of something bigger and tapped into a wellspring of divine wisdom and grace. Having a sponsor and embracing a Higher Power was like having guardian angels on this arduous journey. They could see right through the camouflage of my excuses, my justifications, and my self-destructive tendencies. Always holding me accountable, gently but firmly, so that I could break free from the chains of addiction. Not having a sponsor today is a gap in my working the program – an important element that is required to help me see the forest through the trees and provide a time-tested methodology for recovery and living. I learnt that the gift of a sponsor and a Higher Power is not limited to the confines of meetings; it extended far beyond that sacred space. They became my guides through the challenges of everyday life. In moments of temptation, doubt, or despair, they offered their hands, reminding me of the tools I had acquired and the strength I possessed within. My higher power would speak directly to my heart through my sponsor many times. I learnt that sobriety was not just abstinence from alcohol; it was a way of living, a blueprint for life, a journey towards self-discovery, service, and personal growth. Having a sponsor and embracing a Higher Power is a testament to the power of human connection and the transformative nature of faith. They believe in me when I struggle to believe in myself. They celebrate my progress, no matter how small, and inspire me to reach for the stars. They constantly remind me that recovery is possible, that I am deserving of a better life, and that my past does not define my future. I honor the past, but I don’t live in it now. They also remind me often that recovery is hard and requires hard work. It is a program of action and talk is cheap. I need this in my life to keep me moving forward and to avoid complacency. Remember, my dear friends, we are not alone on this journey. We have each other, and with love and guidance, we can conquer the depths of addiction and soar to new heights of serenity, joy, and fulfillment. Our cups can be filled with goodness, kindness, and compassion. In solidarity and with boundless hope and love.

Community

07.08.2023 – My Journey of Recovery and Support from others I hope this message finds everybody well. Today, I wanted to share a personal reflection that has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. It concerns my journey of recovery and the feeling of being left behind by those who were once close to me. I thought at one point that I had found the best friend I had been longing for – the last words I said to him were “call me tomorrow” – I don’t expect that tomorrow will ever come. Recovery, as many know, is not an easy path to walk. It requires immense strength, resilience, and a support system that stands by your side through the ups and downs. However, I have come to realize that the support I had hoped for has been disappointingly scarce. My disease will say things like, “its your fault”, “you are no better a friend today than you were in the middle of your addiction”, “you should not have reset your sober date, now you will never be considered a winner and have been voted off that island for good”. I know this is my disease trying to make it all about me, that’s why its been weighing heavily on my mind for some time now. Throughout my recovery, like all of you, I have faced numerous challenges and moments of vulnerability. I have put in immense effort to serve others, to heal, to grow, and to rebuild my life from the shattered fragments of my past. There were times when I desperately needed someone to reach out, to check on me, and to remind me that I was not alone. But, sadly, those moments of reassurance were far and few between. I always had to make the call. I’ve had several who I thought were closest to me say, “if you ever need anything or feel like you’re going to drink, give me a call, I am here for you”. I need those kinds of people, but it’s not enough when the people I thought were closest to me say those same words and then disappear until I reach out, many times without a response – more times than not. Without continued connection, the relationship deteriorates. For me, a call for help moves further and further away with time. I am writing this because I do not want to have any resentments – I don’t want to drink over it, and, to my point, I don’t really have anybody I feel I can call to talk about it (I need to find a new sponsor fast). It's disheartening to see that some of the people I considered close seem to have faded into the background. The silence is deafening for me, and their absence speaks volumes directly into my diseased brain. I had expected a simple message, a phone call, or perhaps even a text for no reason but to say hi from time to time. Just something to let me know that my journey mattered to them, that I mattered to them. But instead, there has been an eerie silence that has left me feeling isolated and forgotten. However, it's essential for me to acknowledge that this realization has also served as a catalyst for growth. It has taught me the importance of self-reliance, self-care, and self-love. Through my journey of recovery, I have discovered an inner strength I never knew I possessed. I have learned to rely on myself and to find solace in my own company during some of life’s most challenging moments. Aside from my wife, I have become my own champion, my own cheerleader. While I can't control the actions or inactions of others, I can choose how I respond to this situation. I have resolved to focus on my own well-being, to surround myself with individuals who genuinely care, and to let go of those who are unable or unwilling to offer the support I need. In the end, my recovery is mine alone, and I will continue to persevere, even if the path is at times lonesome. I am guessing that some of you find yourselves in a similar situation, grappling with the feeling of being overlooked during your own recovery journey, please remember that you are not alone. Your strength is remarkable, and your resilience is inspiring. Trust in yourself and keep moving forward while intentionally filling your cup. Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts. I hope my words serve as a reminder to all of us to reach out and check on the people we care about. Sometimes, a simple act of kindness and connection can make all the difference in someone's life. I am committing to reach out to a different person every day for the next week and then make it a routine to reach out regularly as part of my own recovery. Sending much love and encouragement.

Bonsai!!

07.07.2023 For the past several weeks I have been looking into the art of bonsai as a part of a broader business plan I am working on. I can't help but see it as a profound metaphor for recovery journey. Each delicate tree represents not only nature's beauty but also the resilience and transformative power within me. In the world of bonsai, shaping and balance are paramount. Artists carefully prune, wire, and train the tree to create a harmonious form. Similarly, in my recovery, I must confront and reshape the aspects of my life that no longer serve me. It's a process of letting go—letting go of destructive habits, negative people, thoughts, and unhealthy patterns. Just like the branches and foliage cut away from the bonsai tree, I must shed the unnecessary baggage that holds me back. But recovery is not a quick fix; it's a patient and ongoing endeavor. Bonsai teaches the value of perseverance. It takes years for a bonsai tree to mature and reveal its true beauty, and so it is with my recovery. I must be patient with myself, understanding that healing takes time. I take small, consistent steps each day, nurturing my physical, mental, and emotional well-being, just as a bonsai artist tends to their tree. Choosing the right pot for a bonsai tree is essential—it provides the foundation for growth. Likewise, in my recovery, I need a supportive environment and the right people around me. They are the pots that nurture and support my journey. With their understanding and encouragement, I gain the strength to keep moving forward. Bonsai also reminds me of the importance of adaptability and resilience. Trees in the wild face countless challenges, just as I do in my recovery. Yet, like a bonsai tree, I learn to adapt, adjust, and keep growing despite the obstacles. I find the strength within me to face unexpected changes, setbacks, and hardships. The art of bonsai teaches me that resilience is not just about surviving but thriving in the face of adversity. In bonsai, I find beauty in imperfection. The gnarled trunks, asymmetrical branches, and uneven foliage are all celebrated in their unique way—a concept known as "wabi-sabi." And so it is with my recovery. I learn to embrace my imperfections, scars, and mistakes. They are part of my journey, reminders of my strength and growth – of my imperfection. I find beauty in the imperfect pieces that make up the mosaic of my life. As I continue to explore bonsai, I am reminded that I, too, am a work of art in progress. Through shaping and balance, patience and perseverance, adaptation and resilience, and finding beauty in imperfection, I am transforming myself into something uniquely beautiful. It’s been a really rough few days. I am experiencing pain in my right shoulder that has worsened and moved into the center of my back if I move wrong. It causes me to be irritable. This irritability is not doing anybody any good. All it does is make a stressful season even more unpleasant. I wear my emotions and feelings on my sleeve sometimes and I need to prune, wire, and train myself to accept things the way they are and try hard to maintain positivity. Please remember me in your thoughts. Stay tuned! Love you all.

Activated

07.03.2023 – Recovery Activated on the Island Reflecting on the last two years, I can't help but feel immense gratitude for the initial 18 months of hard work, dedication, and a loving God that led me to discover the healing power of a simpler life. My recovery journey has been filled with both triumphs and challenges, but through it all, I have witnessed my own resilience and strength. I have rekindled the flames of my spirituality and my relationship with God. I am eternally grateful for a program that has provided a framework for living and has revealed to me riches that I could not even imagine when I was lost at the bottom of a bottle. For a year and a half, I navigated the challenging path of recovery. It was a time filled with ups and downs, moments of triumph and moments of doubt. I sought help, engaged in therapy, and surrounded myself with a supportive network of beloved friends, my amazing wife, and a family who never stopped believing in me. During this transformative period, I faced my demons, confronted the underlying issues that fueled my disease, and learned healthy coping mechanisms for those moments in life that require a mindful response rather than some sort of temporary relief. It was a time of self-discovery, self-compassion, and learning to love again as I unraveled the layers of pain and embraced the process of healing. It was after those initial 18 months, when I had healed enough to think clearly and make sound decisions, that God presented the opportunity to move. It felt like a calling—a chance to immerse myself in a new environment, one that would provide the perfect backdrop for further growth, renewal, and transformation. At the same time, it was terrifying. I would be leaving the comfort of the known and be distanced from my treasured friends and the fellowship that was so important to my recovery. It was the next exciting milestone for my wife and I as we took our daughter and move to an island in the pacific. Upon arriving, a sense of serenity washed over me. The air was crisp, the scent of saltwater carried on the breeze, and the island embraced me and my family with open arms. It was as if the very essence of the place whispered, "Welcome home. Here, you will find the peace and solace you have been seeking." The island's magnificent beaches have become an integral part of my recovery journey. Being constantly drawn there by my higher power. Each day that I walk their shores, the sand beneath my feet grounds me in the present moment. My higher power using the rhythmic sound of crashing waves as a symphony for my contemplation, soothing my soul and reminding me of the vastness of the world beyond my own struggles. The beaches, with their pristine beauty, have become my sanctuary—a place where I can continue to release the weight of the past and embrace the limitless possibilities of the present. Sitting upon the sands, feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin, and allowing Jesus to use the healing energy of the island to wash over me. The gentle lapping of the waves and the caress of the ocean breeze carrying away the daily challenges of life, the remnants of pain and doubt, and replacing them with a renewed sense of hope and purpose. It feels like life prepared me to come full circle and has welcomed me back into the familiar waters of my youth in southern California. I look up at the sky every day. I marvel at the clouds that dance above the island and provide cover for the mountain tops. They take on various shapes and forms, each beautiful and unique, transforming the canvas of the sky into a tapestry of inspiration. Sometimes I sit on the beach, my eyes fixed on the ever-changing patterns, finding solace and encouragement in their fleeting beauty. Those clouds become a reflection of my journey—sometimes stormy, sometimes gentle, but always evolving and reminding me that change and transformation are natural parts of my journey. I must continue to activate my recovery daily – the hard work is still required to keep myself on the path. The island provides the perfect environment for my continued journey. Its lush greenery and vibrant flora mirroring the fresh awakening within me. Each step I take feels like a step towards a deeper understanding of myself, a closer connection to God and the mysteries of a better future. If you find yourself on a similar journey, embrace it, seek support, and celebrate along the way. And when you discover your own version of the island—be it in nature, in art, or in the love and support of others—allow the spirit to guide you, to inspire you, and to remind you that a life free from the chains of the past is both possible and worth fighting for. May your sands ground you, your waves inspire you, your clouds remind you of the ever-changing nature of life and may the beauty around you ignite your spirit. With love and unwavering belief in the journey.

The Higher Power - My God as I Understand Him

I only know one way to get better – it was going to treatment and working on a program. I was not a fan at all of the twelve-step methodology when I went through Northpoint, nor did I have any desire to engage as a “twelve stepper”. It took several failed and very difficult attempts at other ways to “white knuckle” it before somebody simply recommended a meeting and to work the steps. This is exactly what I needed to give myself some structure and release control (over time – this was (is) tough for me). Looking back, I would not change a thing. Through trial and error and use of my own self will, which is how I had tried to stop using in the past, I landed softly on the cushions of the twelve steps. This is what’s on my heart today as your friend and brother in recovery. Not to say that I am any better than anybody else, because I am not. I went into treatment on June 24, 2021 and my sober date is June 18, 2023. I stumbled, but I am learnt and am trying hard to live in complete surrender and wait for each opportunity to do the next right thing. I have been working on this for a little while and wanted to share my personal experiences and observations in an attempt to maybe provide one or two people with a different perspective. First of all, it takes tremendous courage and strength to confront our deepest struggles and work towards personal growth and healing, and you should know that you are not alone in this process. There is hope for a brighter future ahead, and the discovery of a higher power can be a transformative aspect of your journey. The Twelve Steps provide a framework for self-discovery, self-reflection, and ultimately, transformation. They offer a path towards healing, spiritual growth, and a renewed sense of purpose, with the acknowledgment that a higher power plays a vital role in our recovery. As you progress through the steps, you have the opportunity to explore and define what a higher power means to you, and how its presence can guide and support you along the way. The discovery of a higher power is a deeply personal and unique experience. It involves recognizing that there is a force greater than us, whether it be a traditional religious deity, the power of nature, the collective wisdom of a supportive community, or any other concept that resonates with your beliefs. It is an invitation to expand your perspective and embrace a source of guidance and strength that transcends our individual limitations. As you engage in the Twelve Steps, remain open to the possibilities of what a higher power can mean to you. Allow yourself to explore different spiritual practices, seek guidance from trusted sources, and engage in meaningful conversations with others who have gone through similar experiences. Through this process, you may discover a connection to something greater than yourself that brings you comfort, solace, and inspiration. Remember that your higher power is a loving and compassionate presence that can provide you with the support and guidance you need on your journey. It is a force that understands and accepts you unconditionally, offering forgiveness and redemption as you work through the steps. Embrace the notion that your higher power is on your side, rooting for your success, and always available to lend a helping hand. While progress in the Twelve Steps is not always linear, setbacks may occur along the way. There have been several for me personally. However, with the support of my higher power, I found the strength to persevere. Trust in the process, have faith in your higher power's plan for you, and allow it to guide you through difficult times. You are not alone on this journey; you have a powerful ally in your higher power. Surround yourself with a supportive community of individuals who share a belief in the presence of a higher power. Attend meetings, share your experiences, and listen to others with an open heart. It is through this shared connection that we find strength, inspiration, and a sense of unity as we navigate the Twelve Steps together. Celebrate the milestones and victories on your journey, recognizing the transformative power of your connection to a higher power. Each step completed in partnership with your higher power brings you closer to a life of freedom, authenticity, and a deepening sense of purpose. Embrace the growth and positive changes you experience along the way, knowing that your higher power is working through you. Lastly, always remember that you are deserving of love, understanding, and support from your higher power and the people around you. Reach out to your sponsor, trusted friends, or professionals whenever you need guidance or a listening ear. Never hesitate to ask for help, as it is a sign of strength and determination in your commitment to your higher power's plan for your life. Believe in yourself and the transformative power of the Twelve Steps, knowing that the discovery of a higher power is an integral part of your journey. With dedication, perseverance, and a deepening connection to your higher power, you can create a future filled with hope, happiness, and fulfillment. Trust in the process and embrace the profound impact of your higher power on your path of self-discovery and healing. For me, it was not enough to just acknowledge the existence of a higher power – I had to experience my higher power working in my life. Once I did that, my program picked up a whole new gear. I love you and am always here as a brother in recovery.

Live in The Moment

07.01.2023 – Live in the Moment In the grand tapestry of life, the present moment is a precious thread, woven with infinite potential. It is here, in the delicate embrace of the present, where true magic resides.In a world that pulls us in countless directions, it is all too easy to become entrapped by the past or entangled in worries about the future. Yet, amidst the chaos, lies a profound wisdom: the power of living in the moment.By releasing the weight of the past and releasing the grip on the future, we set ourselves free. We become liberated from regret, fear, and the illusion of control. We step into the boundless realm of possibility, where dreams are born and destinies unfold. In this very moment, you possess the power to shape your reality, to create a life that aligns with your deepest desires. Let go of distractions and worries that cloud your vision. Embrace the present, for it holds the key to your true potential. So, dear wanderer, seize the day with an open heart and an open mind. Embrace the beauty that surrounds you, and let it nourish your spirit. Allow the present moment to be your guide, and may its radiant energy infuse every step you take on this extraordinary journey called life.

How I got Well

06.28.2023 – “How I Got Well” In shadows deep, in darkness’s grip, I found myself, my spirit dismissed. The entangled grip of darkness wont cease, I sought a way out, I longed for peace. There appeared a flicker, that pierced the night, A glimmer of hope, a guiding light. Through battles fought, I discovered my way, With help from Northpoint, embracing each new day. With unwavering strength, I took a stand, Embracing a path both firm and grand. I shed the chains that held me tight, Entering the realm of endless light. Clean and sober, I soar on high, My spirit lifted, reaching for the sky. No longer bound by shadows of war, Redemption unfolds, a story to explore. Through whispers tempting, I stand tall, No longer swayed by their enticing call. Deep in my heart, a fire burns, A higher power's grace, a lesson learned. On a path less traveled, with clear brown eyes, My faith is strong, my gaze set high. The tempter's whispers, I boldly decline, Guided by a force divine. Oh, sweet liberation, newfound bliss, A victory won; a burden dismissed. The strength within, an untamed force, Sobriety's triumph, my unwavering source. I dance upon life's vibrant stage, An artist freed from a self-made cage. Each day a canvas, painted with grace, By the hand of a higher power's embrace. And as my journey gracefully unfolds, I share my story, my light beholds. Like a beacon in the darkest night, Guiding others towards their own light. So let this tale of triumph be known, An original anthem, from me alone. For in the battle to be clean and free, I find the power to be authentically me. I embrace the grace found deep within, Conquering my demons, admitting my sin. From shadows cast, my spirit ascends, Guided by a love that never ends. Clean and sober, I proudly proclaim, A life reborn, bearing a sacred name. In this serenity, my soul thrives, My higher power continues to drive. For I am the vessel of divine grace, Guided and held in a loving embrace. In unity, with the power supreme, I live a life that's truly redeemed.