The Ambush

I am heading to another Boot Camp in October. This one is facilitated by Ransomed Heart Ministries in Colorado (John Eldredge's Camp - he wrote Wild at Heart). I have made my way to one of the forums for men attending this camp. A good place to ask questions and simply get to know some of the guys going. One of the guys, Brad, started a post today where he was talking about a book called "The Way of te Wild Heart" - another book that Eldredge wrote about the phases of the masculine journey. It is kind of a road map to the masculine soul. He was speaking about his troubles with comparing his father to the book and identiying that his father had fallen short in many respects - as I read through this, the enemy ambushed me. I posted a response on the forum and here is how it went...

Hey Guys,

I was struggling as to whether or not I was going to toss some feedback in to the mix on this one. I read through the initial post here and immediately felt two things – jealousy and then I was mad. To explain why I felt these two emotions, I am going to share some of my story. I am a firm believer in personal transparency and it helps me in my walk. I have read The Way of The Wild Heart as well, and used the book in two ways – to take some[more]of my wounds to the cross with my Father in heaven by my side and to learn about the things I needed to do in future so that I progressed down the masculine path and ensurethat my children are not taken out the way I was.

My father was absent for my entire childhood. I had a step-father that was completely absent except for the times where I was to be punished for something. I have no memory what so ever that I can look back on and call a “good father and son moment”. I grew up not knowing that I was adopted until I was 21 years old and in the Navy. I knew who my birth father was because he was my older brother’s father as well. There was an agreement made that I was never to be told that I was adopted – the reason for the agreement remains vague to this day and frankly is not important to me at all, we all know who was responsible for that. In any event, I did not grow up with a father in my life. The closest thing I had to a father figure was my wife’s father, but he passed away when I was 26 years old.

So when I read the post, I was overcome with a sense of jealousy as I cannot look back on my father and compare him to any phase in The Way Of the Wild Heart. I do not have any of those experiences to reflect on. Whether good or bad experiences, I still found myself a bit jealous for not even going through that thought process. I then began to get pissed. Here we are, men on a journey to restore our hearts and to understand our place in the larger story. God has given us the gifts of Wild at Heart and Fathered by God to help along that journey. The enemy lurks in the shadows and looks for any opportunity to launch an assault on our hearts. The enemy had me feeling like I was in a different spot than most of the other men on the forum and that I should probably not share my feedback, because it would not be meaningful. He also attempted to reopen one of my deepest wounds in the process. I then realized that the enemy was working in this story to take out and re-open wounds that Brad may have by telling him that his father “did not measure up”…. This is a classic attack.

I then began to pray immediately and turned to Ephesians 6…. I asked that God send his angels to watch over and protect Brad all the other men that are headed to Colorado in October. This is just the beginning of the attacks that start to occur before we head in to these camps – the enemy is NOT happy at all that we are going! I then began to pray about my past brokenness - I know that my dad loves me and that he had no intention of wounding me as a child. I know that the experiences created during times in my life that I cannot even remember (around age 2 or 3) were the work of the enemy to take me out. I also know that I have surrendered that to my Father in heaven and forgiven my birth father. I will not continue to let enemy work me over in these corners of my life – I am sober and alert. The enemy almost successfully ambushed me today. Be alert gentlemen – be alert. All the glory goes to our Father. Praise the Lord….

I am feeling pretty good tonight! Chalked up a win.