Love and Warfare

Last night I spent a lot of time with the Holy Spirit. I am finding it somewhat difficult to rid myself of the resentment and judgmental behavior that I have toward my brothers as it relates to my grandmothers passing away. I hate the sin! It seems every time I ask God to reveal to me the sin in my life, this always comes up - the enemy knows how important this is to me and therefore continues to assault me and try to wound me in this area of my life. I read Ephesians 6 for encouragement - this is a spiritual battle. I was in tears last night because I continue to sin by continuing to pass judgment on the perceived actions of my family even though I am consciously trying to rid myself of this behavior - its really hard.

There is one other place in my life that I struggle with as well – my father that lives in Oregon. This also seems to come up every time I ask God to reveal to me those areas of sin in my life that I need to deal with. I was adopted and my birth father lives in Oregon and I just cannot get that relationship off the ground. Part of it is because I feel judged by him and his wife every time I see him. I think that this is what pushed my older brother (same father) and his wife away from them many years ago. I am trying to find a way to tell my father this, but it’s difficult – that arrow is placed deep in the most sensitive corner of heart.

I think as humans living in a fallen world, we all have those areas of sin that are hard to separate us from. As I continue to grow in my faith and become closer and closer to Him, I feel a sense of freedom. Occasionally I can taste the feeling of pure holiness before God. This is what I long for - pure transparency and cleansing of my soul before my Father. The enemy is fully aware of my desire and is using the things that are closest to my heart to trip me up. I long to have a rich relationship with my family - I long to see everybody sitting around the table at my house enjoying the company of one another. I long for God to reveal himself to those that closest to me. I long for my family to know how much I love them and how much I want them to be a part of my life.

“Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.”
1 Peter 5:8-9